Joy of Dance and Life

There are times I forget how young my daughter is ... especially when I put it in context of my own youth. Fifth grade. I think I sang a song from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar (with sign language, of course, my nearly trademarked choice of communication that always seemed to so easily fit with song) at a reunion of some sort in North Dakota. WAIT! It had to be later ... we were living on the farm, and I think I went to study some sign language with my former teacher out there somewhere (I'll have to ask on Facebook).

Well, if I was older ... then I'm not sure I had any kind of solo experience (except that of piano recitals, I guess ... but it was an expected end to a year of lessons, not really a performance in my mind).

I did two dance solos, both in my early twenties. She has technically done 4 dance solos by age eleven. I know there are other girls who have grown up performing and one would think they were born on stage. But I guess I'm finding myself realizing how proud I can be when she is brave enough to try something like this. She didn't start when all the other girls did. The timing of divorce and additional financial challenges limited the exposure my kids had to extracurricular opportunities.

Once in Oklahoma, I was able to start making one or two things available to my kids. At first, she chose baseball like her brother. The pink batting helmet in a sea of boys got her in the newspaper, but not into the big leagues. She found she didn't really enjoy the game, and wasn't too sure about the boys (though they were VERY sweet and didn't bat an eye to having a girl on their team) as they were just ... well ... boys.

Once she was in dance, it fit. Teachers would ask where she had danced before (she hadn't), and each year she would be advanced more than her experience suggested. So while she is still a novice in this area, she LOVES it and is doing well. And seeing her face BEAM for hours and watching her personality soften and expand in the light of feeling so amazing, I am not only proud but encouraged. Maybe she is finding her place early in life?

I find myself struggling with that from time to time as an adult. Even today, I asked myself what I wanted out of life. I answered myself aloud as honestly as I could. "I want someone to tell me what I want to do. I want it to click. I want it to give me energy. And I want to do it." (Yes, it's a little pathetic that I need someone to tell me. I think it's sheer exhaustion speaking. As soon as I said the words, I felt like inside I already know - it's just either getting quiet enough or brave enough to hear it.)

My hope for her? That she follows her heart fully ... and I guess that's my hope for every person. But that's not always a good thing, depending on the heart! So maybe I should say it more accurately. My hope is that she has her heart in a good place and follows it fully.

Suburban Sleigh Ride

Oh, how deep the snow!

I have more "fun" photos to share when I have some time ... but I wanted to show everyone how much snow is in our back yard in OKLAHOMA! I think I heard the official measurement from the airport was 16" of snow. I don't think we'll be going anywhere for a while. Get this - they're not even printing the Tulsa World newspaper for the rest of the week! Of course, it will be online. And since we have power and computers and such, I'm still working away from home. But I had to at least share one photo from yesterday morning!

Forgetting Coffee ... and Remembering Italy

I tried to enjoy a cup of coffee this morning. I think it took me 2 hours to finish. I'm the most distractable person sometimes! With the schools closed for winter weather and a 2-hour delay at the office, I was determined (or so I thought) to take a personal moment ... coffee and a notebook.

Personal moments = quiet time to remember other things I meant to do already.

Of course, I don't want to forget those things. I pop up and go take care of this little thing ... and then that little thing ... oh, and then the other thing. And it all leads to one much bigger thing. Good thing I don't need hot coffee (mine tends to turn into "frapuccino" most days). I still have my craving for personal time, but now I realize I have to HURRY to get to work. *SIGH*

Sometimes I think I absolutely have to travel in order to disconnect and unwind a bit (and even then, it's a challenge). I wanted an Italy coffee moment this morning. This photo is about as close as I got!

Girl Scouts ... Not Just For Girls

I remember walking into a room full of incarcerated women all waiting for a very non-traditional Girl Scout troop meeting. Hidden behind the crowd of children were two - a brother and sister - there for the first time. The room quickly filled with chatter and hugs, but one moment stood out above the rest. It happened so quickly, I don't remember who saw whom first, but they ran toward one another and the room opened to give them their moment. Hearing the emotion-filled, stabbing cries of a mother mingled with those of her children as they embrace for the first time in years is ... well ... for lack of a better word, it is profound. A Girl Scout, a "tagalong" brother, an incarcerated mother all joined together, now working together toward hope. This is one of the faces of Girl Scouts.

Girl Scouting truly goes far beyond the young girls. I've been thinking about how many connections a girl has in her life ... and they are significant. Imaging if you could inject courage, confidence and character into each of those relationships. How does that affect her mother? Her brother? Her schoolmates? Her teachers? Her mentors? Her future?

I remember interviewing a volunteer who works for her local school district. She shared stories that spanned from Girl Scouting to the schoolyard. I laughed and cried right along with her as she shared moments that changed girls, parents, teachers, volunteers and her. I was humbled by the increasing ripples of impact I heard just through one voice.

I remember being introduced to a woman who said that Girl Scouting was just as much for her as it was for her daughter. The same courage, confidence and character that were being built in the girls was also growing in her. She was able to free herself from abuse and finally see that she, too, had a wonderful and hopeful life ahead of her.

I remember hearing about the adventures of a Girl Scout with disabilities and her troop as they were learning to rappel ... and once again laughed and cried through the trials and triumphs expressed. And I was so thankful for the man (one of our outdoor trainers) who encouraged, empowered and guided this young girl down the rock. Ask him, his wife, or his dedicated family (their daughters are also volunteer leaders) about Girl Scouts and they'll share stories that span generations and build families.

I remember reading a thank you note from a volunteer who never expected to use her first aid training to save her own son. And to the schoolmates of the two Girl Scouts I know who have literally saved lives because of what they learned in their troop? I can barely find words. The impact is eternally priceless.

And even I, being on the lowest scale as I simply hear these stories from the outside, am changed for the better. Imagine how making a difference in our youth could impact the world!

The Beauty of Balance

There is symmetry and beauty in many things. While the play of intricate detail all balanced one with another is remarkable ... I'm also discovering it's largely decorative.  BALANCE.  It always seems so exact.

So I'm thinking about balance in life, which is everything but exact or equal!  Balance is something I hear will save my work-a-holic soul, but I just can't figure out how to get there.  Until yesterday, my vision was one of the scale with two arms that balances everything equally.  I am not a rigid or even a very disciplined person, though I do have a desire for equality.  But I could drive myself mad in trying to achieve it.

Yesterday I was thinking about a number of things ... I started imagining the circus performer who balances a myriad of objects while on top of something ridiculous - like a unicicle or a ball - and it takes a great deal of constant motion to keep everything from toppling.  Now that's more like life.

Then I imagined the ecosystems of nature, how they maintain their own balance ... but it doesn't mean exact or equal, either.  There are seasons. There are storms. And yet, there is somehow a harmonious balance that exists and sustains the life within.

So my new thought is that there can be a great elastisicity to true balance.  This is my new picture of balance, and it's one I might be able to embrace!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Before I do anything else today (and the opportunities are HUGE as I have the day off and at least a dozen projects in flux) ... I want to be sure I publicly wish my mom a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I just happened to ask if there were plans for celebrating her birthday, thinking that I'd probably be able to make time to crash the event with some other Tulsa relatives, and was surprised to find that having special birthday dinners with my step-dad was more of the default and not the actual plan. And it hit me. She's a mom! Moms do everything for others ... They work to make the world go 'round and it doesn't always come back to them. (I'm learning.)

So this weekend, even though time is tight, we had enough to meet partway for a special birthday lunch in Independence, KS at an Italian restaurant Bella Vita. We arranged a special birthday surprise ... didn't they do a nice job? Of course, we also did our traditional birthday blessing (each of us wrote down how she has blessed us and reads it in the group as a way of honoring her), which I can never do without tears. But I get more teary-eyed thinking that we haven't done this for my mom enough!!!

So, Mom, I hope this year is one of the best ever for you. You deserve it! I won't get all mushy-gushy online ... just know you're loved!

Mini Me

Junior Achievement BizTown is something all 5th Graders get to do here ... and it's pretty awesome!  They run a miniature town for a day.  Usually I'm the one with a camera in my hands, but look at my little one! She's the BizTown Tulsa World Photographer.  They actually create and publish a little newspaper for the day.  How cool is that?

Sky Dreaming

We had an amazing opportunity to watch an eclipse.  Like most nights, I was pretty worn out.  I almost felt obligated to get out my camera, snap a few photos - just to say I did - and then go to bed.  I half-heartedly go outside with one of my cameras ... of course, it's the moon, and it's challenging (for me) to get an image I like.  That's all it took to get the juices going.  It was no longer sufficient to snap a few photos.

Suddenly, it seemed like the best idea in the world to camp out (in December) and watch the whole thing.  I dragged out all my gear and before long, I had a VERY comfy bed set up under the stars.  I was plugged in to chargers and had a few camera options on deck (you never know how quickly batteries will drain in cold weather).  Eventually, I got pretty cold, but there was no way I would go in and miss anything!  Once the real me kicks in, I just keep going and going.  My parents tell me I was like this from birth: if I could find something to be excited about (and I usually could) I'd stay up all night if possible.

And this night was pretty special.  Not only did I have the challenge of photographing something unusual, but I had hours and hours to look at the sky and dream.  I don't think I've done that in a very long time.

The lesson for me?  I could have had a normal, tired-out, run-of-the-mill night.  If I didn't take those few steps outside my door, I would have missed something amazing.  It was literally a handful of steps standing between me and a lifetime moment.  This time I can say I have no regrets!

My Daughter, The Butterfly

I am a proud mom! This year has been extra-special because it was her first duet and part of a scene in which two of her dance studio friends were also performing ... so the rehearsal days have flown (literally!) as have the performances.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Our video card to you ... enjoy!

Madison's Dancing Christmas Card from Ingrid Williams on Vimeo.
Especially for family, this "video card" is Madison's way of saying Merry Christmas and sharing the holiday with everyone (Daisy got in on the dancing a bit, too). We hope the season is certainly merry and bright with all the blessings one could hope to give and enjoy. When this is posted on the family and friends blog, we'll give a quick life update, too. MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

Lately, I feel like Daisy ...

This is Daisy. Daisy is lazy ... or at least VERY comfortable most of the time. We laugh because it's either this soft-throned queen napping or a vigilant pursuit of whatever she feels needs her attention to make things right. There's no middle ground. When she's in her comfort zone, she doesn't want to leave. When she's told it's time to go outside, she usually does so reluctantly. And if there's nothing to hold her attention, she's back at the door ready for her cushion again. If there is something to hold her attention, she goes overboard and once again, she has to be instructed (and sometimes forced) to go back inside. 

She really isn't interested in doing much of anything others think up for her.  She thinks too much.  She evaluates everything.  And she is already well aware that there is much to monitor ... and acts like she's the only one monitoring it.  (And I'll let you in on a secret.  She kind of is - no one would care if she didn't!)

Daisy has a dead-pan expression that can't quite imitate a smile. And even when she wants attention, it's a flat and authoritative grabbing paw that finds your arm or knee. "It's time for love," she paws. "It's time for love now."

I have to admit, I can find myself feeling that way sometimes. I'm going through my day doing things because I know they should be done. I can never get out the door of my own doing ... always being dragged by a schedule or a prompt or a pressure. When there's a moment to breathe, I can't seem to do anything. And if there is something that pulls me enough to snap me into focus, it will be hard to get me out! My furrowed brow is and indication of my consuming intent to finish or pursue something.

So when I realize this, I feel alone.

Like Daisy, I paw at myself with a monotone, you-know-you-need-to-do-this voice, "It's time for ________." What do I do? I don't have the luxury of someone at hand who takes care of everything in my world, sitting nearby ready to pour on the love. And I don't want to depend on anyone else for it, either. I want to stir it up myself.

"It's time for love."
"It's time for joy."
"It's time for peace."
"It's time for creativity."

Nothing.

I can't seem to summon the those things on my own lately. I'm just flat worn out.

P.S. Hank, on the other hand, is our happy-go-lucky lab. He's along for the ride and will turn with the tide. He, too, has a flop mode but his intensity isn't vigilance - it's usually playful and expressive. And if he exhausts himself with anything, it's with excitement over something - a toy, a person, another dog, FOOD. He begins to perk up when he hears, "Do you want to ...," in anticipation of "... go outside?" And bursts into action.

I wish I were more like Hank.

Rats in the Subway at Times Square

It's good to know they treated for rats over 8 years ago.

City Girl vs. Prairie Girl

Now this is not something the prairie has to offer!  The view was absolutely breathtaking when I went to the rooftop terrace of my tiny Manhattan hotel.  Like so many of my favorite moments, I had the wind in my hair, a sky full of color, and a quiet moment taking in an expansive view. 

I used to think I was a pretty good combo of both city and prairie.  Maybe I still am ... but I know I am drawn to the vistas and horizons wherever I am and when I'm in a big city, it never feels like home.  If I imagine myself living there, it's imagining myself in another phase of life.  And this moment, as appreciated as it was, seemed like something that might grow old eventually.  I never thought I'd say that - but maybe I think about things a little bit more when I'm alone, or maybe I realize how alone I am and people seem overwhelming, or maybe I'm just not as connected to the citified hopes and dreams I once held, or maybe I'm too tired for the city ... at least right now. 

Sunday's Moment ...

Brought to you by Girl Scouts. This is how we started our day ... helping the MS Society and their guests. Post Oak Lodge outside of Tulsa is a beautiful place!!!

Saturday's Moment ...

Brought to you courtesy of TSF Dance Competition. We didn't come away with an award, but Miss M's mentor did - 1st place!

Rocker Girl and Fairy

So I am NOT big on the Halloween holiday, personally, but I do remember the joy of dressing up as a child and getting to experience something fun or wacky or just plain different for one day.  That hasn't changed in all these years!

Sounds of children ...

Playing, laughing, swinging ... it was all part of the adventure of being on set for the first time!  The independent film, "Pippin's Day Out" brought us to the park, thanks to the fortunate conversations of a coworker which led to an invitation to be an extra in the playground scene.

As usual, these things get me thinking.  Capturing those moments in time is precious.  As much as I love the visual element, I have to admit that sound is amazingly powerful.  I'm daydreaming about the value of hearing loved ones' voices back through a family tree, reminiscing to the sound of a child's laughter, and it makes me want to grab a recorder along with my cameras!  Suddenly I feel like Imogen Heap (how do I explain ... she collects sounds like I collect images and can create amazing things with them).

A cassette tape exists somewhere of my grandfather telling the story about how he tracked a moose (I believe).  If I recall, he didn't know someone had turned on a tape recorder, and those of us who weren't at the storytelling still heard it straight from his lips.  Hearing that again today - probably some 30 years or so later - would be priceless.  And plugging it in to a family tree these days is certainly a possibility!  I think I've given myself a project.

Resentments

I think I have blinders on ... I probably live like I do.  There is a mountain of necessary life that I feel like I must burrow myself into just to make it through by some sort of acceptible margin (though it never feels acceptible).  Then I run into something from my past.  WHAM!  Suddenly the resentment surges.  It's not without reason.  The opposite is true.  It is very much with reason!

But it might be that very thing that holds me back from taking a moment-by-moment appreciative stroll through life. 

I guess when deep, deep hurt comes at the hands of another person it's hard not to feel like they need to feel deep, deep hurt, too.  And not just for a moment ... but for at least as long as they were the ones doing the hurting. 

So if a specific person has been racking up the "hurt miles" big time for over 20 years, and I still feel like I'm scraping through the leftover muck and will be for the rest of my life, I'm sure it's understandable that I feel like any happiness that comes that person's way is completely undeserved.  But that doesn't make it right, either.

Early on, I thought I could forgive - and even understand.  As the years go by, it actually gets more difficult.  I guess it's because the hurt continues.  Resolution would be good.  Change would be even better.  But I secretly wish revenge was an option.  I'd have leverage like you wouldn't believe!

Daddy, where are you?

Most days seem to hold everything but peace ... instead the days are a blur as I race through trying (and failing) to do everything that is crying out for attention.

I am reminded of a day when my son was racing around in circles on his Big Wheel in the basement.  Those things are notoriously LOUD, and he was doing a good job of stirring up the noise.  But above the clatter of the wheels, I could hear him yelling over and over, "DADDY! WHERE ARE YOU?"  His father was answering him every time, but there was no way he could hear him over the noise he was creating. 

The picture seems a lot like me when life is so busy that I feel like I'm going around and around in circles.  I am!  And I'm probably making so much "noise" in my life that I can't hear the answer to my heart's cry ... whether it is to know where "my daddy" is, know my purpose, feel connected, or simply taste the sweet relief of peace.

How simple would it be to stop for a moment and ask those questions in silence?  Maybe more simple than I realize. 

Happy 11th Birthday, Miss M!

OK ... so I'm VERY late posting anything about Miss M's birthday ... but it was a WHIRLWIND! So, I'll back date this post so she can have a proper post on her birthday. Actually, she wanted a whole birthday page like her brother, but I don't know if I have it in me to do another one until she's 18!

Instead, we exhausted ourselves with another kind of surprise: a room makeover! As her schoolbus pulled away, Grandma and Grandpa pulled in. And away we went. I was furiously packing. And while I ran to work for a meeting, they continued the mad dash to move furniture, pack up extra stuff, find supplies to make a ballet barre, and get cranking on the project.

When she arrived home, when she looked down the hall to her room, instead of seeing her bed and night stand, she saw this (minus her, of course)! "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ROOM?!?!" Madame R.E. and myself were responsible for creating the hot pink reading corner with chocolate and gold curtains, and the grandparents took Miss M shopping for a cool lamp the next day.

But the birthday surprises didn't end there ... dinner with the family who could come was quite a treat, a new FAVE CD and help relocating the pink chandelier from Uncle J, and the mad dash to get an iPod the next night courtesy of her dad and grandfather's checks topped it all off.

And there you have it ... birthday #11!

Anxiety and Gifted Children

I promised I'd share my findings from a seminar last week ... and I have to admit, I feel like I'm scratching the surface of a REALLY BIG deal. But more on that later.



And an additional link for gifted adults: http://giftedservices.com.au/adults.html

Here's to next time ...

The part in the movie didn't come her way (insert frown) but it was a great first experience and I'm sure there will be more! This is one of those "I never did that" things, so as a mom I'm still proud and excited.

Aspiring Actress Update

Now that she's been on an actual audition, does that make her an actress? I guess not until she gets a role! The update for today was just the audition itself. She didn't want me to go in with her (GASP!), so I waited with the other parents and girls. Later on, we got an email with all kinds of information to fill in on a profile. Not sure if that's a good sign or something everyone who auditions does ... but we'll see!

It was interesting to see the other girls there for the punk/emo/goth group scene. One was really quite cute with black and purple hair, piercings, etc. A couple others looked like shy girls with dark eyes, but authentic. One looked like "Wanna Be Emo Barbie" (but was awfully full of sparkles and all new/shiny like) with modeling comp cards in hand. And one more looked like country singer cutie pie with skinny jeans and flannel. Miss M? She's mild but authentic ... just like you see her above (another favorite photo of hers from last night): skinny jeans, hoodie, worn-out converse and the eye makeup she so desperately wants to wear (but mom usually vetos).

She brought some prints to school (the two we emailed last night) ... scared kids, I hear. Maybe they were just being, ummm, dramatic? I have to laugh.

WOWZA! A callback!

Guess what? After sending in these two photos last night, Miss M got called for an audition! I'm going to make it happen ... and if she's what they're looking for, she'll be filming with a group of girls on Friday!

Movie Time?

The casting email comes ... this one might fit! But we have to send in a recent photo, and if possible, I'd like it to resonate with the scene. Between ballet and pointe classes, she donned her black duds and tried NOT to look pretty.  We hit a few places, took a few pictures, and the last one of the night was our favorite ... BUT ... we're keeping that a secret for now.  I'll share more later if I have time.

As for the little model and wannabe actress, she's ELATED!  I think she's ready to put together a whole photo album of herself and share with the world.  As for me, I'm glad I had some time behind the camera and quality time with my daughter.  Regardless of the movie outcome, it's a life memory for both of us!

Joys of Nature

We got to discover all the leftover bounty in the garden at Grandma and Grandpa's place this weekend. This little guy turned out to be the mildest in a power-packed chili challenge! Why we couldn't curb our curiosity is beyond me. I really don't like those kinds of things, but somehow I was the first to cave in and try. After filming the antics of other sufferers, even my little one got in on the game! Brave girl. Silly adults.

Encouragements and Struggles

I have had another round of unexpected encouragements connected with work but not connected at the same time (it's something I do on my own time). My "I'm A Girl Scout" blog received some attention, and because it impacted others, I was greatly encouraged ... Not for me, but for the fact that it made a difference.

I'm not going to go into detail, neither am I going to post this anywhere other than my personal blog. But what I will say is that I had the wonderful moment of hearing how another staff person was weighing recent messages about her purpose, and after reading my story, with tears running down her face, called her family to tell them that she indeed was where she should be and felt this is her calling.

Funny how my words in a simple story can define purpose in others while I'm struggling with my own. It makes me wonder ...
... Am I missing my purpose?
... Or could that BE my purpose?
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Love and Science

I happened to come across this blog post: The Brain in Love and Lust

"In a study published in 2002, anthropologist Helen Fisher PhD of Rutgers University and a multi-disciplinary team of experts recruited 40 young people madly in love - half with love returned, the other half with love rejected - and put them into an MRI with a photo of their sweetheart and one of an acquaintance. Each subject looked at the sweetheart photo for 30 seconds, then - after a diversion task - at the acquaintance photo for another 30 seconds.. They switched back and forth for 12 minutes.

The result was a revealing photo album of the brain in love. Think like a brain scientist and you too would be excited by activity in the right ventral tegmental area. This is the part of the brain where dopamine cells project into other areas of the brain, including the posterior dorsal caudate and its tail, both which are central to the brain’s system for reward and motivation. The sweetheart photos, but not the acquaintance photos, were the cause. In addition, several parts of the prefrontal cortex that are highly wired in the dopamine pathways were mobilized, while the amygdala, associated with fear, was temporarily mothballed."

It makes me think of a Bible verse ... "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." (1 Jn. 4:8)

My Boy is 18!!!

I'm not sure how that is possible ... and yet the road certainly seems that long when viewed in certain ways.  There have been shining moments and dark days.  But one thing remains, I love him.  For friends and family who don't know, we tried a move to Ohio to see if it helped bring an uphill curve, so it's been very different without him in Oklahoma!  And celebrating special days is not very easy.  I probably went a little bit overboard compiling all kinds of memories for his birthday, but here's his own blog page from my heart:  http://indigobleue.blogspot.com/p/happy-birthday-jeremy.html